In the realm of hows

how can one truly know whatever you are feeling is correct?

how can one know if this is what God wants?

how can one know what will happen in the future?

how can one know how things will turn out?

how can one know how to read one’s emotions?

how can one know when to quit?

how can one know why we need to stuggle in life?

how can one ever know?

anything at all.

because we all do not know how, but we all pretend to know how.

how then can we expect to really know.

sick and tired of wanting to make everyone happy. and it ends up I am so unhappy.

can Jesus please enlighten me, as to why this is happening? is this really too big a light that the devil is tryig ways and means to stop it, or is it just not meant to be.

how do I know? God show me how I should know.

jewel

Letting things take its course

it’s been a long day, losing three cases in a day is really the most infuriating thing that can happen. however, losing faith might be worse. though I truly am blessed that God gave me a chance to minister to some colleagues of mine. I do pray that God touches them.

I think that circumstances, pressure and tiredness does cause harm.. its time like these that I try my best to remember what Pastor Sally say to just be there for Jerome and not try to make him see that I am correct, so even when to me he makes unreasonable demands and accusations.. he really might be correct..

God works in ways we cannot see. a little afraid actually of dealing with people all of a sudden. realised that my flesh is weak and feel like it’s really too much for me to handle.. work expectations.. home expectations.. relationship expectations.. friend’s expectations..

it hurts me so much when there seems to be conflicts around me.

I do hope God will help touch everyone’s heart.

mine too..

jewel

Unreasonable

unreasonable demands, unreasonable accusations!

Revelation today

God works in ways we cannot see.

perhaps the it that I have been searching for has been so deeply buried and hidden that I no longer noticed it.

the gift that God has given me for loving people, connecting people, inspiring people and re-igniting lives has been forgotten and replaced.

God help me understand if that is real.

amen.

Tired

I think it’s me. every one year I start drifting away from this, worrying that I will not have enough leads, worrying that I will just not be able to sustain myself. I guess I really need to learn to have more faith in God than in myself.

I stepped into the bookshop and started to wonder to myself. as I read the book, I started to picture the animations and the wonders of an enchanted world.

as I was reading, words and music filled my mind. The radio was playing in the background, and I felt like singing.

can singing truely be something I was made to do? has the devil tried to rob me of that gift?

am I really happy where I am? I realised that it’s really tiring to live a life second guessing.

like I feel like if I do not write songs, play instruments, or have a fervent interest it means that that gift is not mine to hold on to.

I need to connect with God, need Him to tell me, than to rely on my own strength.

amen.

Trying to find that thing that i do best

Am beginning to worry, doubt and confuse myself unnecessarily. again not trusting that God will provide. it’s time like these that I fear most. the fear that I built my securities on monetary values rather than on God himself.

While I am trying to find my “good things” that God has given me, I need to focus and dwell on him instead. Forget the mindfulness of people around.

dear Lord, as I struggle once again with the frailities of mankind. I pray that you keep me at watch. that I will no longer be subjected to the traps of this world and just shine and work on the good things you have called me to do.

so many things seem to be happening around me that I can’t seem to catch my breath. People I need to pray for, people I need to visit and care for, people I need to provide for, people I need to work for, People I need to worry about. I think I just want to spend time with you in solitude. recuperating from the niceties of life, and dwelling in your knowing that at the end of this long and winding road, there is truly a heaven worth looking for.

amen.

Only God alone

i had loads of questions in my head today or I should say in the past few
months. it probably has to be that no one else, no human is perfect or anointed enough to be the perfect role model for us except God himself.

Not the pastors of the biggest churches, not your closest friends, not your closest family members.

But only God.

For we are only human, and human fail. Humans have motives, humans have desires, tendencies, temptations, anger, weaknesses and humans can get blinded.

thus, it is my new year’s resolution to start learning from the one who knows it all, who perfected it all, who was not tempted.

read more, pray more and connect more.

amen.

jewel-unpolished and waiting for God to tell me how and when.

Welcoming the new year of 2010

Looking through what has happened in 2009 and planning ahead for 2010 seems a little surreal now. a year has just gone by, and a new year is about to begin. a few loose ends to tie down before it begins.

5 more days to go, many things to be accomplished:

1. packing of my wardrobe
2. new working attire for 2010
3. accounts for 2009
4. work schedule for 2010
5. budget for 2010
6. and of course setting my resolutions for 2010.

love,
jewel

Its been a month

Christmas 2009 is here. I guess this year has been filled with ups and downs. it’s a Christmas without smiles this year. it’s time for a re-organization. have I been the cause of this? I kind of prayed things can be normal. but I guess to be normal would be boring.

perhaps without me life would be simpler. not as messy, not as busy. not as compromising.

it’s probably easier.

Its so difficult

I feel tired, exhausted and just a little sick of life. I think I might be disappointed. Perhaps, I hold expectations of myself and everyone around me too high.

Jewel